A Family Legend on Splash Mountain

"Gammy, Gammy!!! I wanna hear the splash story!"
"No, Gammy, I want the magic house that moves!!"
"Yes, grandma, tell us all about the time you pissed off Bébé and nearly gave Grandfather a heart attack."

[It's always a jumble when the twins talk over each other, but with Lonnie & Lanny each missing a tooth, it amazing I can understand them at all. And when did Jacquie get so cynical? I'm not ready to call her Jacquelyn yet. No matter that I still think of her daddy by all three syllables of his name.]

Language, dear. And aren't you a little old for bedtime stories? Tell you what Jacquie, you get the twins all ready for bed, and I'll come in and tell them their favorite family legend. Again. It seems to be getting to be a Christmas tradition. Now Lanny and Lonnie, don't y'all forget to brush your teeth.

…

Alright now, settle down. Jacquie, you aren't staying for the whole tale are you? Fine, just try not to interrupt with your corrections. This is a legend, not an interview.

Where shall I begin?
"Gammy, was it your idea or Dody's? To go on a grand adventure?"
"Gammy, I wanna hot chocolate with mini marshies."

Oh dear, and I'm going to need a big glass of water for myself. Jacquie, would you be dear?

Lanny and Lonnie, I need you to settle down. I know you each have your favorite parts, but I will tell them all in their right place. Now, shush.

It was a hot hot summer. It was so hot that the creek dried up enough that the mint island was an isthmus. Lonnie, you know what an isthmus is. It's a bridge made out of land. No, not like the bridge we built later - that had creek running under it. You are just trying to make bedtime last longer, aren't you?

But somehow, even though there was so little rain, it was almost as humid as Houston in the winter. The old house was still a falling down mess. We hadn't even fixed the chimney that Godzilla attacked, much less installed air conditioning. Your great uncle Davy hadn't replaced the electricity yet, so we didn't even have ceiling fans yet. So it was hot and wet and and sticky. And Jacquie, your daddy wasn't here yet, but he was a bun in my oven. Yes, Dody always said blast furnace. He complained about how much heat I gave off that summer. You know, I made a special coat for winter, and that's the only season I wasn't busy cooking up your daddy.

Now, I survived the heat better than Dody. I had a job at the university and we had nice cool offices. Except when SYSDAVE opened the windows to feed the birds. But that's a 'nother story for a 'nother time. But poor Dody worked at home all day, when he was at home at all. He worked upstairs in his office, when he was out in the fields with Quatre chasing down escaped cows. No Lanny, Quatre was Zesty's mommy, Yes, Quincy died. Lanny, let me tell this story.

So Dody was always looking for any way to cool down. He's the one that found the trip. White water rafting on the river y'all call the coochi goochi. He invited his best friend Tom and Tom's wife Ell to join us. And Dody wanted to use his Daddy's magic moving house. It was really something called a GMC Recreational Vehicle that Bébé called "the Jimmy." It was Bébé's travel office. His job took him all over the country, but he always had his familiar surroundings.

Now, you may not believe it, but back then Gammy was a spoiled brat. No matter how many times Granmommy …

[it's funny how all the old names stick, even when they're gone. Mom and Dad will always be Granmommy and Grandaddy. Dody's parents will alway be Barbar and Bébé. Shoot, I didn't even encourage the twins to call me Granny. That's my Great-grandmother, gosh darn it]

… corrected him, Bébé knew it. I was a selfish little thing and never quite understood things from Bébé's point of view. I mean, I knew he drove the Jimmy for work and lived in it. But it never occurred to me that he would deliver it to us full up with his belongings. You see, I was used to traveling with Granmommy and Grandaddy and we always stayed in motels. We never even stayed long enough to unpack our suitcases into the empty dressers there.

The magic moving house was magic because of all the hide-y holes and clever storage. It was all chock full of Bébé's toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving gear, shower supplies, even his underwear! Dody wanted The Jimmy so we could cook and eat and sleep in it on the journey down, and we had all our own stuff we wanted to take with us. So I emptied everything. I brought it all in our house and lined it up on the dining room floor under the windows. It might have been okay if Bébé hadn't come over to give Dody last minute instructions. He saw his belongings all on display and he was seriously upset. I didn't even see what I'd done wrong, and I yelled at him instead of listening and apologizing. Sigh.

Remember children, it's always important to listen so you can understand someone else's point of view.

No matter the fuss, we got all our things stowed away with room for Tom and Ell's stuff. We filled the tiny refrigerator and cabinets with all our yummy snacks for the road, and food for dinner and breakfast. Before we left the house, I made a batch of Barbar's traveling cookies, which were already gone before we got home again.

We drove through the Jellico mountains and through the woods to get to the Coochi Goochi. Before we could get out on the water though, we had to take the safety class. We learned the importance of following our guide's instructions, and he explained what the various maneuvers would be, over the intended route we would follow. It seems that the drought would make some parts of the trip more dangerous, and others would be easier. We might even have to get out of the river at some points to portage our rafts.

Yes Lonnie, you know that big word means carry the rafts. No, I don't know why it doesn't sound like a real action word. No, I didn't make it up. No, we wouldn't fall over in the river, we would carry the rafts beside the river. Do you want to hear the story?

After the class, we had to sign waivers that said we knew we could die on the river and wouldn't blame them. We had to wear life jackets; we even had to wear very goofy looking helmets. I felt extra bulky with all this covering my baby bulge. But we finally got out in our rafts.

It was so fun! It was a partly sunny, partly rainy day. Even aside from the rain, we were soaked by all the splashing. The current got stronger when the river narrowed. We had a beautiful view of rock ledges and trees. And then we started entering the rapids. At first, the current and rocks worked together to steer the raft; it felt like we were just along for the ride. Then the current started fighting the turns and the rocks. That's when the trip got exciting. I was near the front of the raft — the guide was in the back, as it gave him the most control over direction.

When we got to a particularly tricky set of curves, we overshot the first turn, and over I went. Now, I have always been a good student. And very awkward and uncoordinated. So when they told us how to handle falling out of the raft, I had paid close attention. Oh, I couldn't tell you NOW what I was supposed to do, and whether I did that or something else entirely. All I know is, I tossed about a little, getting right way up.

No, Lanny, that's really it. I don't know when one minute in the water got blown up into such a scary tale. Yes, Dody tells it better. He had to watch, not knowing what happened or whether I'd survive. He was worried about me. He was worried about Jacquie's daddy. No, he didn't know he was a boy. Now let me tell it my way.

No, the water wasn't deep. Remember, there was a drought and the river was way down. And rapids are where the river splashes around big rock outcroppings. The bottom is shallow, but the current is fast. I popped out of the raft when it stopped suddenly on a big rock. I fell to the side, with rocks beside me, rocks under me, and the boat right on top of me. A raft full of four people is not something you just shove aside like a pool float. My body was curled up instinctively against the rocks, and my helmet protected my head. That just happened, I didn't think about it. I wasn't under long enough to need to breathe. All I remember was keeping my head from twisting and snapping my neck. All this was happening in the great big outdoors, but I might as well have been curled up in a tiny cave. I like caves. So I just fought to keep my head up-ish, and then the back of the boat was past me, and the guide pulled me in. No fuss, no muss, and I was wonderfully wet and cool.

But if you ask Dody, I was under there a five minutes or more, and he was already planning my funeral. Yes ,Jacquie, when I was your age, I could hold my breath that long. But Dody had been what me pant with the effort of climbing one flight of stairs with you daddy inside me. Your Dody puts up a brave front, but my goodness that man is no rock during an emergency. I think in this case, the difference between us was I learned to swim underwater before I could ever stay on top of the water. But your Dody was swimming competitively from when he turned 7. I don't think he thought I could handle myself underwater.

Or maybe it's just the difference between being in the middle of it, and watching it unfold. All I know is that he was the only one of the four of us that declined to go down the natural water slide later in the trip. But your Gammy came up just fine, and it made a story for Dody to tell for years after. Yes, he tells it better.

Just don't tease Dody by hiding at the bottom of the pool. He will not see the humor in it. ;)

{Note:
The players:
My great grandmother was Granny, my Dad's maternal grandmother.
My kids always called my parents Granmommy and Grandaddy.
They and their cousins called my ex's parents Barbar & Bébé.
I decided my fictional grandchildren would call me Gammy, and my ex Dody.
I gave my older son one fictional child, Jacquelyn. I imagine her to be 16 at this telling.
I gave my younger son a set of twins: a boy named Lanny and a girl named Lonnie. I imagine them to be three. I feel like that's really pushing it, since my younger son, 4 years younger than his brother, is still not even dating while my oldest is getting married next February.

All of Scotties were:
Quatre, whose baby Quincy died two weeks after birth.
Zesty, her one surviving puppy.
Dizzy and Ouchie who were adopted after my youngest was toilet trained.

I've only used real names for the fictional characters, and I've given all the real people real or made-up nicknames.}